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Sep. 7th, 2001 10:43 pmHmm pondering stuff and realized that I haven't posted in a bit. Jenn recently posted about people's mood when she passes them on the street. I found it odd because in public I tend to pretend that I'm happier than I am. I smile, I boogie a little to the music on my headphones, I generally act like a fool. I may feel shitty but I have a smile for the person standing next to me waiting to cross the street. Admittedly I avoid the direct gaze of tourists and possible crazy homeless people, but that is City Survival 101. Get me home though and I feel as if my soul had been ripped out. Guess I'm just weird. That or I've done way too much customer service. Probably option #2.
Today work (and all the people there) seemed intent on reminding me that I really don't have any self-confidence/ self-love/ whatever the hell you wish to call it. Here is an example conversation from today:
PT (jokingly): You are just so good
Me (similar tone) No I'm just lazy. I don't want to deal with this more than necessary
PT (to others in vicinity): She always says that. (He then continues to give me trouble for awhile, but the phone rings so I get to ignore everything. The phone is God.)
This conversation happened more than once today. It is guaranteed to make me uncomfortable. Honestly, my job is pretty damm easy and the only reason there aren't more screw-ups (and there are still plenty) is that I am willing to look stupid to cover my ass and fix stuff. I'm almost sure that the above would not bug a normal person. I wouldn't be talking about it, except it's happened more than once and I always feel weird after it. Like a big faker who everyone is going to find out about soon. Is it just me?
I miss Bellingham. I had a certain sense of freedom there. Not just the freedom of being in school, but the freedom of trees and mountains and rivers. People weren't as important. There was space. Perhaps I'm just longing for my own space once again. My little cube of a room can't hold me and I don't have another space. Skating starts next weekend though, so that should help. Not only does it get me out of the house, but the adrenaline rush makes the world seem much more cheerful and the pain brings the world into sharper focus. Everything seems more real when I skate.
Time for sleep. Party tomorrow.
Today work (and all the people there) seemed intent on reminding me that I really don't have any self-confidence/ self-love/ whatever the hell you wish to call it. Here is an example conversation from today:
PT (jokingly): You are just so good
Me (similar tone) No I'm just lazy. I don't want to deal with this more than necessary
PT (to others in vicinity): She always says that. (He then continues to give me trouble for awhile, but the phone rings so I get to ignore everything. The phone is God.)
This conversation happened more than once today. It is guaranteed to make me uncomfortable. Honestly, my job is pretty damm easy and the only reason there aren't more screw-ups (and there are still plenty) is that I am willing to look stupid to cover my ass and fix stuff. I'm almost sure that the above would not bug a normal person. I wouldn't be talking about it, except it's happened more than once and I always feel weird after it. Like a big faker who everyone is going to find out about soon. Is it just me?
I miss Bellingham. I had a certain sense of freedom there. Not just the freedom of being in school, but the freedom of trees and mountains and rivers. People weren't as important. There was space. Perhaps I'm just longing for my own space once again. My little cube of a room can't hold me and I don't have another space. Skating starts next weekend though, so that should help. Not only does it get me out of the house, but the adrenaline rush makes the world seem much more cheerful and the pain brings the world into sharper focus. Everything seems more real when I skate.
Time for sleep. Party tomorrow.
